Things I never say

 

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Art by Henrietta Harris

 

In the last couple of years, I wanted to write this post countless times, never knowing exactly how to even start. Today I read an article on a challenge that gave me writing butterflies so I decided to give it another go. The challenge is about braving it out (that’s how I like to see it anyway), as in writing about the things you wish you said at certain points in your life or things you never dare to talk about for whatever reasons. A little bit like a confession, I suppose. Most of the people reading this have only seen my happy-go-lucky self, the loud, chatty one who says 250 silly things/per minute, the cheesy romantic who enjoys the little things in life. Others only met the dancing warrior in me, the chaotic one who wants to change the world and make people smile. My loved ones will confirm that I’m all of that, most of the time, however, I do have my little moments, my struggles, my weaknesses, my doubts. All of this could sound like a mask I’m wearing seeing as everyone is trying so hard to be perfect nowadays, but it’s not like that at all. In my interaction with people, I just choose to talk about other things than my personal issues, as most of the time, it’s hard to understand my own problems myself, let alone having to explain them to somebody else. There have also been times when I’ve tried to open up about personal stuff and I have either been cut off with a different subject, been told to get over it or that I’m being dramatic about it. FYI, that’s not cool, peeps! If someone trusts you with their struggles, do pay attention! Even if you can’t help much, just listening does wonders.

This post is not in the slightest negative, but a proof of how aware I am of everything that happens to me and how lately I’ve been allowing myself more and more to make mistakes and be ok with it.

Here’s me, braving it out!

  • I was so scared about moving to Romania. Though comfortable with my choice and incredibly driven by my objectives, several negative reactions made me doubt it many times.
  • I miss my dad very often. Everything about him – his music, his jokes, his handwriting, his never-ending support. The heartbreak is sometimes numbing.
  • I get a bit sad and discouraged when people ask me “Don’t you get tired always being so all over the place and happy?”
  • Sometimes I’m upset with myself for not being useful enough, for not doing enough. I understand I can’t control many things, but I never stop looking for solutions.
  • I’m self-conscious about my Romanian. Not my accent, which I’m very proud of, but my vocabulary and the way I express myself. For that reason, I often choose to keep quiet and just listen.
  • I secretly judge the people who are so oblivious to the world outside their own little bubble, the self-absorbed ones, the ones who never have anything good to say about others but themselves. I don’t like to be conflictual and I try to be understanding and patient, but sometimes I can snap and be sarcastic about it.
  • I distance myself from overly negative people. This sounds incredibly selfish and it probably is, however, I’d like to use my energy on people I love and the issues I’m interested in.
  • I cannot wait to be a mother and I sometimes worry I won’t be a good one.
  • I get anxious and I have ugly panic attacks, once or twice a year.
  • Bucharest is intense. I’ve been enjoying the many things I’ve learned, the meetings I’ve attended, some of the people I met and spending time with some of my high-school friends. That being said, I cannot wait to live in the countryside again – the quiet, the clear sky, the food, the people. And it’s not just about being out of my comfort zone which I intentionally put myself into many times before, but it reminds me too much of England and it’s a weird feeling. It’s also making me feel quite lonely. Beginnings are hard, I know.
  • I’ve tried all my life to be a good daughter, a good colleague, a good girlfriend, a good friend, a good person. A mistake, big or small, can make me forget for a short while everything I did well in life. Perfectionism, be gone!
  • I truly, truly loved (romantically) one single person in my whole life and I still think about that experience at times. I loved and cared about the others too, but never in the same way.
  • I have only two people with whom I feel 100% comfortable regarding everything I am and everything I say. Them and probably my future therapist.
  • Sometimes I feel like a big coward. I wish I could speak up more often when people are mean to others, when they’re selfish or when they belittle me and my dreams. I wish I didn’t apologise so much about things I shouldn’t have felt bad about in the first place.
  • I really do enjoy the little things in life and I think, though true, this is hard to use as an answer to ‘Why are you happy?’. I will never be rich, financially speaking, and I don’t strive for that. It brings me much more happiness to spend time with people I care about, to learn from people I admire, to talk changes and solutions with people who are genuinely interested in this, to dance with people who can’t wait to have a good time, to eat the food someone happily cooked for me. I fall in love on a daily basis with passionate people, people who like a good cup of coffee, a nice walk, a good film or book, talking about their dreams and whatnot. I respect each person’s choice when it comes to their happiness, but, I guess, I wish some people would respect mine too. How boring would it be to have and do the same things in life? I actually say this many times. Funnily enough, it never seems to catch.
  • I’m learning so many things about myself since I moved back home and it’s like a whole new journey. I’m learning how to ask for help, how to be diplomatic, how to keep my patience, how to choose what and who I get to keep in my life or not, how to make mistakes, learn from them and move on, how to improve on myself. It’s a complex, satisfying adventure. Definitely cried over it on a couple of occasions.
  • Some people are complete assholes for no reason. I wish I could say this more often.

 

What are the things you wish you said or the things you wish you’d talk about more often?